I’m using my kids’ Fitbits to track their sleeping – what could possibly go wrong? | Zoe Williams

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They think it’s like being under house arrest – meanwhile, my sleep scores are through the roof

My one mad extravagance of the season was to buy everyone a Fitbit: initially just one, for the adults to share. Since we only went to the same places, it stood to reason that our step counts would be the same. While the synchronicity might account for the precipitous demise in our mutual civility (well, his; mine is still great), it didn’t work at all. Once he had a step-counter, I wanted one. Then the kids wanted one, which I normally would have found easy to resist, except I thought it may give us a fitness boost. We haven’t had much success in the Joe Wicks department lately. A sedentary lifestyle is the dream. I take it as a personal parenting triumph when they are not all supine.

Anyway, step-wise, the success has not been resounding. By far the best way of getting the male heir to up his activity levels is Pokémon Go and I didn’t even bother to buy him a Fitbit. The girls work full-time at subverting the system by working out what they can do instead of a step that the device will register as a step. Not many things, it turns out. This exercise is more intellectual than physical.

Zoe Williams is a Guardian columnist

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